Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
His nipple licking is glorious
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