Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
