Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
