Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
