this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
our cab driver is having phone sex.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
