I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
