Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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