My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I would ride that face into the sunset
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
