I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
