The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
