Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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