OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
