If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
