Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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