Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
