took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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