Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
