I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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