I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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