My boss' voice literally gives me gas
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
