I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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