the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
