I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
