i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
