Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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