That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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