I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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