Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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