I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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