Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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