I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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