Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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