Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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