new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
