I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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