So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
