What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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