You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
