i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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