I only kidnapped one of them. chill
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
