I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
