I just pynch a tree in the face
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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