Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You're like the curious george of whores
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
