Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
don't judge my taste in strippers
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
