I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He did a backflip because drugs
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
