i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
