As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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