He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
