Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
