Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
