I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
